One subject Letterman’s writers have returned to again and again: The national pastime. The Mets are a frequent punching bag and Yankee icons like Derek Jeter and George Steinbrenner show up on plenty of lists for the New York-based Letterman. There’s a lot more, though, as a quick online search can attest.
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So as Letterman prepares to air his final show tonight, we scoured the Internet to find some of his best baseball-related lists (unfortunately, there is no master archive of all the lists, which started at NBC and moved to CBS with Dave in 1993).
From the home office in Charlotte, N.C., we present the Top 10 baseball-related Letterman lists:
Top Ten Least Popular Exhibits at the Baseball Hall of Fame
The Tobacco Juice Foundation and Reflecting Pool
Babe Ruth’s cup
What-It’s-Like-to-Get-Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Nolan-Ryan-Fastball
The Yogi Berra Kissing Booth
The giant stack of Pete Rose’s losing OTB tickets
Display case of garbage thrown at the San Diego Chicken
Steve Garvey’s bed and on-deck circle
Cocktail glass filled with Billy Martin’s knocked-out teeth
Scratch-a-Real-Big-Leaguer
The Audioanimatronic Mookie
Top Ten Baseball Euphemisms For Sex 10. Working the rosin bag
Comebacker
Charging the mound
Riding the pine
Jerking one into the seats
Coming from behind
Doubleheader
Going deep in the hole
The big unit
Visiting Busch Stadium
Top Ten Things Babe Ruth Would Say If He Were Alive Today
“You call this a baseball team? Where are all the fat guys?”
“Yo quiero Taco Bell!”
“All right, who’s the son-of-a-bitch who named a candy bar after me?”
“All right, who’s the son-of-a-bitch who named a talking pig after me?”
“Hell, if that’s the case, I would have been impeached from the Yankees 500 times.”
“I won’t play unless I’m paid one hundred thousand dollars a year!”
“I can’t believe all these naked photos of me on the Internet.”
“I’ve just come back from the dead — so can’t Denny’s give me a free meal?”
“Yeah, I’d like to see McGwire hit 60 home runs drunk off his ass!”
“Steinbrenner sucks.”
7. Top Ten Umpire Complaints
Having to carpool with team mascot
Line-up card from Don Zimmer always smeared with spaghetti sauce
When a manager who’s yelling right in your face suddenly kisses you
Have to use glass-bottom shower over concession stand
When they show your wife in bed with some other guy on Diamondvision
Players who ask if you would scratch them
All those empty Slim-Fast containers around Dodger dugout
When San Diego Chicken steals your street clothes and sets them on fire during his pre-game dance
In most states “killing the umpire” is only a class B misdemeanor
Squat burns
Top Ten Complaints of the Average Baseball Player
Medical plan does not cover cryogenics
It’s the grueling three-hour work day
Beer vendor seldom makes it to the dugout
Being called “out” is a crippling blow to one’s self esteem
A certain percentage of us have to play for the Devil Rays
Mitt hand doesn’t get any sun
It’s 2002 and we still have to endure tiresome “We Will Rock You”
When a beach ball comes on the field, we want to keep it
People think strike is about money, when it’s actually about a boatload of money
“I think Mike Piazza’s checking me out.”
Top Ten Things a Manager Doesn’t Want to Hear on Opening Day
“Okay — who kicks off?”
“Is it okay if I leave after the 6th inning to beat the traffic?”
“Their pitcher is cheating — he’s throwing a ball that curves.”
“Any chance I could get traded to a city with a more active musical theater scene?”
“The bad news: we had to trade Jeter, Williams and Rivera. The good news: we still have Knoblauch.”
“The game will have to wait — I can’t put down this new Rosie O’Donnell magazine.”
“I know the pitcher is morbidly obese, but he’s the owner’s son.”
“Bad news, boss — all 30 of us just got called for jury duty.”
“The new uniforms are in, and let’s just say there’s lots of lace.”
“Check out the Diamondvision: the mascot’s nailing your wife.”
Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn’t Ready for the Regular Season
Your leadoff hitter is eight months pregnant
Every time pitcher throws ball, catcher screams, “Ow!”
Outfielders distracted by big fluffy clouds that sometimes look like bunnies
Best hitter refuses to work weekends
Only time players demonstrate hustle is when they’re being chased by undercover vice cops
Spirited locker room debates about how many strikes to an out
Starters ask to be excused from fielding drills to watch “The View”
Most promising rookie recently swallowed a rosin bag
Team name contains words “Devil” and “Rays”
Nobody can keep his mind on the game with that sexy Derek Jeter running around
Top Ten Good Things About Playing Baseball in New York
If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a car window, hey it’s just another busted car window — Danny Tartabull
Free bus fumes while you work out — Bernie Williams
Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride to the stadium — Pat Kelly
Vendors selling corked hot dogs — Mike Stanley
New York has the nation’s most affordable bail bondsmen — Steve Howe
Plenty of spit for spitballs — Don Mattingly
After the game, if you don’t take a shower, everyone just assumes it’s the city that stinks — Wade Boggs
The greatest fans in the world always shouting, ‘Mets suck!’ — Luis Polonia
Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the World Series, that with one phone call, we could get the opposing pitcher whacked — Buck Showalter
Two words: Rat Night — Tony Fernandez
Top Ten Horrifying Secrets of Cal Ripken
For the last year, has eaten nothing but deep-fried oriole
Thinks he’s breaking the “Lou Grant” record
Corks his pants
Just like Lassie, there are five Cal Ripkens. Each one has played in only 426 consecutive games
Once planted a bloody first-baseman’s glove
According to Mrs. Ripken, not exactly an “Iron Man” in the bedroom
Also has perfect attendance at the local “Hooters”
Recently considered skipping a game to attend a John Tesh concert
Has been spotted leaving Marge Schott’s place early in the morning
Two words: Switch Hitter
1. Top Ten Things That Will Get You Suspended by Major League Baseball
Secretly switching the Gatorade with the urine samples
Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team
Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger
Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level
You’ve used too much pine tar and it ain’t on your bat
For the last several innings you’ve played shortstop in a delightful cocktail dress
During “Star-Spangled Banner,” you do a slow, seductive striptease
Wearing your cup outside your pants
Hitting for the cycle with the umpire’s wife
Corking yourself
